FADE IN:
EXT. A CITY — DAY
A long, high wall. The shadow it throws covers everything.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The iron curtain was long and tall and the shadow was very, very dark. Everyone lived under the shadow of the curtain and if there was nothing else to look up to, there was always the wall.
The wall comes down.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Then one day the curtain came down. No more curtain!
EXT. THE DOCKS — DAY
Empty trucks. Empty crates. Two huge men, SERGEI and BORIS, stand with nothing to lift.
Sergei looks to Boris.
SERGEI
Boris, we are free!
BORIS
Sergei — we are poor!… there is no government — so we have no jobs. Therefore:
We
Are
Poor.
Sergei stops for exactly two seconds.
SERGEI
No Boris — we are FREE.
We have no jobs. Dah.
We have not money. Dah… meh.
Neither does anyone else.
WE
ARE
FREE!
Let’s go into business!
BORIS
Sergei — we did not exactly graduate from the top class of the top school. Actually, we didn’t graduate from ANY school. We were dock workers lugging crates on and off trucks.
Explain to me what business we will go into?
SERGEI
We will go into the business of OTHER PEOPLE’S business. Let other people set up and we will take little pieces of each of their businesses… or we will break their legs!
You ‘do’ know how to break people’s legs, don’t you Boris?
Boris grins.
BORIS
Dah, Sergei. I remember getting an A++ on that subject!
Sergei smiles.
SERGEI
So it is agreed. We are ‘now’ “Seris Incorporated”.
Boris frowns.
BORIS
Why not “Borei Partners”?
SERGEI
…how about ‘RisGei’?…
Boris smiles.
BORIS
Dah, that is fine.
MONTAGE — THE TOWN
The two huge thugs breaking things up and throwing people around.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The two able-bodied but feeble-minded goons went from strength to strength to strength, muscling in on local businesses. It was easy!
So Sergei and Boris went around their town using their limited intellect and tremendous strength to shake-down business owners for protection money. Sometimes the going was easy. They simply appeared in the doorway and the money appeared in their hands. Sometimes people had objections. Those objections were met with a number of different counter-arguments.
END MONTAGE
EXT. STREET — DAY
Sergei holds up a wallet.
SERGEI
Boris — look! My new wallet. This is the wallet of a successful man! Louis Vuitton!
BORIS
…LuuuuISSS VuuuEEEton?
SERGEI
Dah, dah.
EXT. PARKING LOT — DAY
A horn beeps. Boris leans out of a Mercedes.
BORIS
Sergei — look at my new car. Mercedes Benz!… The best!
SERGEI
Nice. Nice. Not the best though…
He presses a key-fob. The lights on another car in the lot flash brightly.
SERGEI (CONT’D)
Rolls Royce. THIS is the best. But we are both lucky. We are NOW prominent men!
INT. CAFÉ — DAY
The two goons at a table.
SERGEI
Boris, we need an office.
BORIS
Why do we need an office Sergei? That will increase our overhead and lower our profits. I think we need to continue as is. We are fine as is.
SERGEI
Do you remember the great man in the movie we saw? HE had an office… not a big office. But something official… like ‘an office’!…
(sighs)
We need an office like “Gengo Olive Oil Company” too… that way we too can be the great man!
BORIS
I suppose we can put aside some money to pay for an office, dah.
SERGEI
…set aside money? Accrue expenses… where do you get these stupid ideas? We will just take an office building for ourselves! There are plenty of empty buildings. We take an empty one. There are plenty of half-full buildings… we can take one of them. There are plenty of buildings full of sheep… we will go to them like the “большой злой волк”. Who will say no to us?
EXT. SHOP-FRONT — DAY
A small, unassuming bakery.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
…so the two huge goons went about to find an office for their “Gengo Olive Oil Company”…
They came to an unassuming shop-front for a small, poor baker. The baker was an old, frail man. He seemed to have no flour, no dough, no money, no muscle… nothing. It was time for the большой злой волк to give chase!
INT. BAKERY — CONTINUOUS
The OLD MAN behind the counter. The goons fill the doorway.
SERGEI
Old man, give us your building.
OLD MAN
No.
BORIS
(to Sergei)
Talk nicely to the man…
SERGEI
Old man, sir. Give us your building… please?
OLD MAN
No.
BORIS
Old man, if you do not give us your building we will put you in the oven there and cook you until you are not recognizable as a human being anymore… so — while we have the ability to come to a rational conclusion: GIVE US YOUR FUCKING BUILDING… PLEASE!… OR ELSE!
OLD MAN
You are both strong enough to break my arms and legs? Yes?
BOTH MEN
Dah.
OLD MAN
Fantastic, then use that strength for something easier: Lift those bags of flour off the back of the truck and put them in the back. I will give you both
(pauses)
a cookie!
Both men, partly in shock, shrug their shoulders and walk to the truck, EASILY lift one bag of flour each and carry it to the back of the bakery.
The old man is pleased to see the work done so quickly and so easily. He reaches into the display cabinet and pulls out a tray of dark brown ginger-bread cookies covered with powdered sugar.
OLD MAN
Please — take one. Take one!… Take TWO!
Both men take the cookies and nibble them with great approval.
SERGEI
These cookies are very good. They remind me of my mother’s cookies. Gaad Bless her.
(making the sign of the cross)
OLD MAN
Oh — I’m sorry for your loss.
SERGEI
What loss?
OLD MAN
Your mother — you blessed her. She is dead? No?
SERGEI
No! She’s not dead!
OLD MAN
Then why bless her?… never mind. Let me ask you both something…
What did you come in here for?
BORIS
We came in to take your building to use for our office; we are starting Gengo Olive Oil Company!
OLD MAN
(slightly puzzled)
Oh… Olive Oil? Where will you get the olives from?
SERGEI
No olives. We only like the name. Like the great man from the movie…
BORIS
Dah — The GoatFather… he is the great man. Alls people respects him and praises him. They gives him they’r monies and loves him. ‘We’ are that great man! in this city!
OLD MAN
Ahhhhh the GODfather… yes. He was the great man. I can see many similarities!
Both men smile.
OLD MAN (CONT’D)
Look — let me ask you for your help. I’m an old man. I have no family in this city. I’m too weak to run a business like this any longer… but if I had two strong men around me, like you two great men, I could last a little while longer.
SERGEI
Yes, old man, but…
BORIS
(interrupting)
…what’s in it for US? Some cookies?
OLD MAN
(laughing dryly)
No, no… not just cookies — but you can have as many as you like. What if I give you my office. You can base Gengo Olive Oil Company there. From time to time I will ask you to lift a few sacks of flour… you take the office. Free.
SERGEI
But what about the…
BORIS
(interrupting)
what about the monies? You will give us you monies too?
OLD MAN
Well. No. I have no money to give you now. But how about this: Do you have cars?
SERGEI
(beaming with pride)
Rolls Royce!
BORIS
Mercheddez Benz… the best!
OLD MAN
Yes — fantastic! Fantastic! You can deliver my cookies. The businesses will pay you. You give me the first 10%, you keep the remaining 90%… OK?
Both men look at each other with slightly anxious approval.
BORIS
But you still make cookies?
OLD MAN
Yes! YES! All the cookies you can eat! I promise. Tea too! Take some tea and we will sit down and toast this agreement!
SERGEI
Fuck tea. We will toast with real bread!
Boris looks around for bread.
SERGEI (CONT’D)
…the RSVP, Boris. Go get the RSVP.
Boris returns with a bottle of Cognac VSOP.
BORIS
Today, old man, you witnesses the births of Gengo Olive Oil Company…
Boris rips the top off the bottle with his jaws and takes a drink from the bottle.
BORIS (CONT’D)
La Stroviya!
He hands the bottle to Sergei, who drinks from the bottle. Then hands it to the old man. The old man pours one drop into his tea, then puts the cup to his lips but does not drink.
OLD MAN
La Stroviya! Boys! We have A LOT of work to do. Sergei, you have a good voice for the telephone. Please, call these numbers and ask them each how many cases of cookies they want. Tell them that the old man is out of business. Tell them that YOU are the bakers now and that they will do business with you directly now. They will be receptive to you.
SERGEI
Ok. You are very confident in our sales skills.
OLD MAN
My cookies are good — no?
BORIS
Dah — good.
OLD MAN
You will see; these cookies sell themselves. You simply need to tell them you have them and then go deliver and collect.
Both goons smile at each other and take another swig of “RSVP”.
INT. BAKERY — THE NEXT DAY
Boris and Sergei take a cardboard box that had contained packages of cookies from a factory in China and flatten it out. Sergei gets some paint and writes — in his best script:
“Gengo Olivia Olio Company”
Boris takes down a picture of Lenin and hangs the sign up over their desk.
Sergei sits at the desk with a dusty old rolodex and a telephone.
SERGEI
(into the phone, grandly)
Hello. This is Sergei. Of Gengo Olive Oil Company. The old man is out of business. We are the bakers now.
(listens)
Dah. Dah… How many cases?
(covers the phone, to Boris)
Boris — twenty cases! Write it down!
Boris writes “20” on the back of his hand.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Within mere days of calling the people in the dusty old rolodex, Boris and Sergei cobbled together an astronomical amount of sales. Numbers they were not fully capable of understanding. Even for these two weak-minded goons, the numbers started to seem too large.
INT. BAKERY — DAY
SERGEI
Old man, I have a question:
BORIS
(interrupting)
…all days you don’t bake nothing. We have all these sales to collect but you don’t have any cookies. Whens are you going to start to bakes them?
OLD MAN
Well you see… there is something else you need to do for me. You need to go with your cars, over the border and get more flour. You see, without the flour I can not make the number of cookies I need to make… Surely you understand.
SERGEI
Dah — is normal I guess. We get flour…
BORIS
(interrupting, winking at Sergei)
you make cookies. Then we get the dough!
OLD MAN
You are my angels! You boys understand everything! I will give you the address and you will go tomorrow.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD — DAY
The Rolls-Royce and the Mercedes, in convoy, on an empty road.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The following day the boys went in their luxury convoy of cars, driving for hours and hours to a small village. To a street with very few fixed structures on it… just what appeared like a barn that belonged to an abandoned farm.
EXT. ABANDONED FARM — DAY
The two cars stop in front of a barn.
SERGEI
This is a funny place Boris. What kind of flour do they make in a farm like this?
BORIS
Dah — very poor quality.
Sergei, puzzled, reaches into his Silver Cloud and honks the country horn. All of the sudden a flurry of activity in the sleepy barn. Out come four small Chinese men.
MAN 1
Fuq man. You for Old man?
MAN 2
kill’dem… this is bad. I don’t like.
MAN 3
no Kill. we have plan. Stick to plan.
Man 4, with no words, points to inside the barn… Man 1 and 2 and 3 run in.
They come out with a duffle bag each.
MAN 4
This is what he requested. Make sure he gets it. Have a lovely day gentlemen. Oh. Beautiful cars!
(winking)
The two goons walk back to their cars. Proud Boris sighs.
BORIS
…Mercheddez Benz… the best!
Sergei stops.
SERGEI
Boris — how much do your bags weigh?
BORIS
maybe 15 kg each… a little more?
SERGEI
We came here for enough flour to fill orders for $2,000,000 worth of cookies. This is 45 kg of flour. Something is not right.
BORIS
Don’t worry. Cookies are not our business — we are in the Olivia Oil Business!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The two goons drove the night back to the bakery.
INT. BAKERY — EARLY MORNING
The goons arrive early, hoping to surprise the old man. The old man is there before them.
OLD MAN
You got my flour?
SERGEI
Yes — we got it…
BORIS
there’s not too much…
OLD MAN
I can’t really afford to buy more than that right now… in time though. In time…
Please put the sacks on my work bench. I need a few hours to prepare my cookies. I will call you when they are ready to deliver.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The goons left to get some sleep. Then the old man set to work.
Several hours later he called his two partners to come and start making their rounds.
INT. BAKERY — LATER
The goons walk into the bakery, past piles and piles of trash… packages of cookies and the boxes they came in… and hazmat suits.
BORIS
Looks — we astronauts now!
Sitting on the proofing racks are trays and trays and trays of cookies. Brown ginger-bread cookies with thick coatings of powdered sugar.
OLD MAN
You know who has ordered the cookies. …well don’t stand around: deliver them! Don’t forget to collect the money FIRST!
The old man is more direct than he has ever been before. Almost bossy. Maybe a little nervous.
INT. BACK ROOM OF A SHOP — DAY
Sergei sets a tray of cookies on the counter. The CUSTOMER — big, unsmiling, no interest in cookies — licks a finger, drags it through the powdered sugar and rubs it along his gums. Waits. Nods once. Pushes a parcel of notes across the counter.
Sergei looks at the man’s mouth. Then at the cookies. Then at the money.
EXT. STREET — CONTINUOUS
Sergei gets into the Rolls. Boris is in the passenger seat eating a cookie.
SERGEI
Boris. The man put my cookie on his gums.
BORIS
(chewing)
…He must has a sweet tooth!
Sergei says nothing. Starts the car.
INT. BAKERY — LATER
After an hour, Sergei returns with a ghostly white look on his face. He places a paper bag of money on the counter.
SERGEI
Old man… your cookies taste like shit, but sell like gold!
OLD MAN
Did you take your money out?
Sergei nods to Boris, who opens up the parcels of notes. A paltry stack of dirty, dog-eared old notes and a hefty, large, clean stack of newly minted looking notes.
Boris pushes the big clean stack across the counter.
BORIS
Here, old man. The nice ones. The best!
OLD MAN
No, no. I am an old man. Give me the old money. We understand each other.
He takes the dirty stack. The goons grin at each other over the crisp pile.
OLD MAN (CONT’D)
(holding up his cup of tea)
Fantastic. FANTASTIC! Please boys. A toast! To our success!
SERGEI
Boris, go get the RSVP!
A few moments later, Boris appears with a new bottle of Cognac VSOP.
OLD MAN
May our business arrangement remain intact for all time!
This time the old man grabs the bottle of cognac and drinks from it, handing it to Boris and then to Sergei!
OLD MAN (CONT’D)
Now boys. I must make arrangements for the next batch of cookies. But, I’m very, very tired. Let me go home and sleep for a while. I will come back and start to stir the batter for the next cookies… even better — I promise!
SERGEI
Dah, old man. Go. Sleep. We will sit here and drink to our newfound business…
(carefully)
…ack-you-men!
As the old man is leaving he reaches for his coat and hat and then his small stack of bills.
OLD MAN
I will go home and put these under my mattress! I shall sleep VERY well tonight! Thank you boys!
The old man leaves.
INT. BAKERY — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The goons, the bottle, the crisp stack of money.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
About twenty minutes later there was a flutter of activity outside the little storefront. People talking in hushed tones. That grew louder until finally they were no longer speaking in hushed tones.
Then — a loud CRASH through the door. Armed men with a battering ram and tactical clothing rush into the room with their guns drawn and pointed at both Sergei and Boris.
AGENT 1
STAND UP and put your hands ON YOUR HEADS. TURN AND FACE THE WALL or I will send you to St. Peter’s Gate! FIRST CLASS!
AGENT 2
(knocking over the bottle of VSOP, flicking his fingers on the dusty countertop)
Looks like we have a little party here boss.
What do we have here? We have keys… Mercedes Benz — very nice. Rolls Royce! Oh my! The best!
Boris looks down as Sergei grins.
AGENT 2 (CONT’D)
We have a pile of money here. All fake… counterfeit money — that’s life in prison now — no?
Agent 1 nods his head.
AGENT 2 (CONT’D)
We have some
(putting a cookie in his mouth and spitting it out violently)
some SHITTY SHITTY cookies covered with heroin!
….and….
(pointing to the corner, as if to ask Agent 1 to go there)
AGENT 1
This is not powdered sugar boss. This is Thai heroin — still in the bricks.
AGENT 2
Oh, no no no boys. No no no. You are both going to go to prison for all time. You can write home to mommy and daddy later. Tonight you will go to jail. Tomorrow you will go to prison.
AGENT 1
(pointing to the hand painted cardboard sign over the desk)
“Gengo Olivia Olio Company”… just like the office of the man in the movie! Very nice!
Tearing it down to the ground in one sweeping downward motion, he then walks to the front door as the two goons are escorted out.
BORIS
But there was the old man! The old man did this!
SERGEI
Dah! Dah! The old man did all of this!
AGENT 1
…an old man ran a heroin trafficking ring out of this shabby bakery? Did you hear about the old man?
AGENT 2
No — no old man.
The curtain falls.
THE END